barush | Entries tagged with death

You know what I hate? Stuff I need to do for school that requires some internet research. Because, you know, the internet is full of fan fiction that causes unwanted distraction. I have no will power to fight it so I just give in and start to look for fics I haven't read yet instead of searching for Spanish history in Spanish. I am fucking hopeless *facepalm*

Other than that... My grandfather's funeral is on the upcoming Friday. So instead of going skiing, I'm going to mourn with a few dozens of people I don't know, but they all know me. And you know what? I am fucking looking forward to it. Really. My mother told me they were gonna play 'Requiem' by Mozart there and I was like 'awesome!'. Never mind my grandfather died. Never mind my mother's depressed and doped up on antidepressants. I'm really wondering what kind of a creature I've turned into. I cried only once, for a while, and now... I'm not even sad. I don't... care. And frankly, it kind of scares me. I don't get myself anymore.

I will kneel at your feet
I will lie at your door
I will rock you to sleep
I will roll on the floor
And I'll ask for nothing
Nothing in this life
I'll ask for nothing
Give me ever-lasting life

There she goes, my beautiful world
There she goes, my beautiful world
There she goes, my beautiful world
There she goes again

Current Mood: scared
Current Location: home
Current Music: Nick Cave - There She Goes, My Beautiful World

Imagine a really shitty day. Got it? So that's my day today.

My grandfather died yesterday night, but they told us today. Well, my mother told me. It was her father, btw. He had been in a hospital for over a month (some vascular problems) but it really was rather unexpected. They don't really know what happened so we must wait for the autopsy. Oh well. I could rant about it, and I probably will at some point, but I don't have the energy now.

Also, I've learnt today one of my classmates has cervical cancer=/ I knew she wasn't really healthy (she's anorexic too) but this really hit me. Apparently, she's already been operated but I've no idea how it went or anything. We're not particularly close, but I have known her for 6 years so that makes you care for a person. Oh well. I hope she'll be alright.

And I should study maths, but I don't feel like it at all. I'd like to just go to bed and cry myself to sleep =/

Obama, however, makes today a tad bit better.

Current Mood: sad
Current Location: home
Current Music: Nick Cave - Idiot prayer

OMFG start writing the fucking essay!! *slaps herself* I'm such a pathetic loser that it's not even funny anymore.

Other than that, my hands are freezing. But the rest of my body is kinda warm so that's just weird.

Also, I don't wanna fucking grow old. Never. Ever. No I'm not hoping to live forever, God forbid, I just don't wanna be old. I'll probably off myself when the first important organ/part of my body gives out, and that wouldn't have to take too long either. Because if I ever end up like my grandfather it will be much worse than dying young.

Now, I said it. And surely I'll be run over by a bus when I step outside the next. Because, you all know what happened to John Lennon, right? And he always said that growing old was the thing he feared the most in life.

Anyways, I need to sign up for the CAE exam till the 16th of this month and pay a shitload of money to that date too. Why, or why, is this exams so fucking expensive?! I'll laugh my ass off if I fail it or get a C (a B would be okay but an A is an A, you know?). The exam itself will be on March 14th so I've plenty of time to get worked up over it.

My hands are a bit warmer now, typing helps. Maybe I should start typing up the essay, just to warm my hands. I need little unimportant goals, because the word 'important' triggers something in my brain that immediately starts telling me 'read fan fiction, quick, quick!'. Unbelievable, really.

So, I'm gonna warm up my hands.

Current Mood: pensive
Current Location: home
Current Music: Nick Cave - Bring It On

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Barbora

Entries tagged with death

There she goes, my beautiful world...

Well, all things come to pass...

So bring it on, oh come on (come on)

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April 2009

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