There she goes, my beautiful world...

[barush]

You know what I hate? Stuff I need to do for school that requires some internet research. Because, you know, the internet is full of fan fiction that causes unwanted distraction. I have no will power to fight it so I just give in and start to look for fics I haven't read yet instead of searching for Spanish history in Spanish. I am fucking hopeless *facepalm*

Other than that... My grandfather's funeral is on the upcoming Friday. So instead of going skiing, I'm going to mourn with a few dozens of people I don't know, but they all know me. And you know what? I am fucking looking forward to it. Really. My mother told me they were gonna play 'Requiem' by Mozart there and I was like 'awesome!'. Never mind my grandfather died. Never mind my mother's depressed and doped up on antidepressants. I'm really wondering what kind of a creature I've turned into. I cried only once, for a while, and now... I'm not even sad. I don't... care. And frankly, it kind of scares me. I don't get myself anymore.

I will kneel at your feet
I will lie at your door
I will rock you to sleep
I will roll on the floor
And I'll ask for nothing
Nothing in this life
I'll ask for nothing
Give me ever-lasting life

There she goes, my beautiful world
There she goes, my beautiful world
There she goes, my beautiful world
There she goes again

Comments

[zimena]

I'm not good at understanding emotional reactions and so on, so maybe I'm not the right person to say anything to you about this, but I don't think there is anything wrong with your reaction. Perhaps you just had too much to deal with lately, too many things to think about, too much problems and mental stress (I know about some things which would count for this, you can probably mention more that we haven't even talked about!) that you just can't handle any more things, so you subconsciously just deal with it by not allowing yourself to care.

I don't know if that made sense at all?

Also, one more thing - how close were you with your grandfather? For example, did you always visit him a lot, and did he mean a lot to you? When you were little? Still as much in recent years? If not, it's also more natural that your mom is more sad - he was her father, and losing a parent (even when you are an adult yourself!) most likely hurts in a different way than losing a grandparent. I'm not saying you shouldn't be sad - just that you also don't have to feel bad for being LESS sad than you thought you would be.

Love you, dear, and I hope you'll feel better soon! <33.

[barush.livejournal.com]

Aw, thank you for your nice words, you always know how to make me feel better <33 And yeah, it did make sense. I guess you're right. And it's true that I could probably count the number of times I saw my grandfather during the past 2 years on the fingers of one my hand. We kinda stopped going there that often when my grandmother died some ten years ago. So we weren't really close. But still, I should feel something. The funeral is on Friday so maybe it'll become more real then. Oh well, thank you again <33

[demetrelli.livejournal.com]

I agree with zimena your mum takes it differently because it's her father and also she grew up with him when he was sane and healthy. Instead you experienced him in a different way, therefore you see his death differently.