I hate self-pity

[barush]

Recently I've had an urge to write something and this drabble is what I came up with...

Title: Pity
Author: Barush
Fandom: CSI Las Vegas
Pairing: Greg Sanders/Nick Stokes
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: character death

Was it supposed to be like this? He can't stop thinking about his life… Is everything how it was meant to be? Did it go according to a plan? He really doesn't know... He's standing on the bridge, staring into water and he doesn't know…

How was his life? No wait how it...is. Well, considering his current location, one would guess that it's not good. Marvelous. Perfect. Awesome. Yeah, that's everything his life is not… But it used to be like that… Once. After the thing happened. The thing. Since when has he not been able to name it?

He used to be able. Once. When they released him from hospital he really felt like starting all over again so it wasn't any problem to say it. Explosion. Just a normal word. Everyone says that, why wouldn't he? There was no reason. He started to date a guy he'd loved for so long. He managed to keep his job. He even got into the field and made it to CSI 1. Life was just perfect. Until…

Yeah, it really came back. He thought it was over, for good. He was just starting to fully enjoy living again when it returned. With much more power and strength than before. At first, he didn't recognize it. He had some suspicions but managed to stuff them into the dark corner of his mind and pretend to be completely oblivious. It couldn't last long though. It wasn't only ten broken mugs. But that was what made Nick notice. And when even Nick knew, he couldn't go on pretending.

So they talked. Did you see a doctor? No. You should. No. Why? Nicky, I just know it won't go away this time… And he was right. It didn't. And slowly it started to affect his work. People started to notice. He couldn't bear these looks. Full of sympathy. Pity. But he tried. He tried because he had still someone to live for. Until he saw it. Among the crowd of people with pitying looks on their faces which he saw everyday, stood the one he least expected to be there. Nick. His Nick. With the expression Greg hated so much. That was the last straw. He knew that was it. It had to be. He was worth nothing. Even to his boyfriend. And that's the reason why he's here.

He can't stand it. Not anymore. Not a second longer. His biggest wish is to end it. Now. For good. No way back. Never. Is it really it? Is there really no way back? That's neither time nor a place to have thoughts like this though. Not when he's trying to make the most important decision in his life… It's now or never. Do or die. Oh well, better to say do and die…

Is he ready? He doesn't know. But his legs start to carry him to the edge… He is one step closer now. And he is about to break. Will he break? Probably. It's a chilly night. His life's fucked up. Or at least he thinks so. So he's got every reason to make that one final step to the edge and break. Right? He needs to justify his death. Does that mean he's not ready? Perhaps. But he's way beyond caring now…

He hears his name being called. He knows the voice. He loves it even. But he can imagine the pitying look which goes with that voice. And he can't stand it. After a while he can't hear it anymore. He can't feel anything. He just knows. He knows it's a right decision. At least he thinks so. He's already fucked up enough, why not add a fucked up death. Yeah, right. Why not? So he does it. He makes that one step. Edge. And then… Just cold water… And then? Nothing? I don't know. Ask him. But wait, you can't. He did it. There's no turning back , is there? Was it right? Was he ready? He will never know…

And he will never see the once pitying face change into the one full of pure desperation and sorrow. Never again. Only due to his own self-pity.