'Kay, can't stay here too long, the screen's making me positively boil. Just needed to whine a bit. Take care, all of you.
'Kay, can't stay here too long, the screen's making me positively boil. Just needed to whine a bit. Take care, all of you.
Anyways, I've sent most of the university applications, 5 to be precise, and I'll think about sending more. I've till the end of February to do that. Basically I've stuck to my initial ideas and applied for English, Spanish and special pedagogy, divided among 3 cities (Olomouc, Brno and Prague, if it tells you anything). However, I've only one for Prague so I'll think about something more. And I'm starting to have this feeling that I won't get anywhere, which is entirely possible. Oh well.
Other than that, I've finished the seminar work of doom for history. It took me like 3 days only, so that was surprising. I guess that with the level of apprehension I feel the time spent on the actual task lowers exponentially. I was writing about my grandmother's life before, during and after the World War Two, but I've probably mentioned that here already, ages ago.
Oh and we've had holidays this week, which I've spent writing the seminar work and reading House fics. Tells a lot about my life, eh? But I've been to cinema at least to see the new movie about Che Guevara and I loved it <33 If you're a history freak, like Cuba or are just interested in El Che, it's a must see.
Now I've a craving to write. Maybe even House, hm. Well, I'll see.
I'll be actually wearing a dress tomorrow. I look like an idiot in it, I'm too fat to wear a dress but it's a kind of an unwritten rule for these things so I don't wanna stand out. Most of the girls in my class are asking each other all the time 'what dress are you gonna wear?', what colour?', long or short?', but somehow I'm usually not a part of such discussions. Usually. Anyways, that's probably the only positive thing about this, the dress-stuff will stop lol
And my mother managed to piss me off once again. She told me something along the lines of "imagine you're showing the pics from the ball to your kids and telling them: "Look how fat I was at that ball," hahaha." Apparently it's really funny but if the comments don't stop I'm gonna snap and then it won't be funny anymore. Grrrr.
Anyways, if I'm not around much this weekend I'm probably sleeping off the hangover. I'm not planning to get drunk
When I take a break from the damn book (which will be soon, I assume) I might post a lengthy rant or might dig up some Bradford pics and post at least a couple 'cause I think you guys deserve to see them for putting up with me when I was ranting 24/7 about it. But, knowing myself, I won't promise anything.
School sucks lately. We have a shitload of work but I'm too lazy to do anything (dunno, like study for example) so you can imagine the results. You know, most of the people in their last year of high school would be probably studying their asses off, but not me. I just can't bring myself to care. Yesterday I randomly looked up some old entrance exams to the uni's I could possibly apply to and realized they're like a hundred times more difficult than what I expected. So now I'm going through this stage of wallowing in self-pity and misery and thinking I won't get into any uni. Which is a distinct possibility. The fact that I don't even know yet where I want to apply doesn't help at all. The course I wanted before is out of the question now so I've no idea again. Oh well.
Moving on. Last Saturday I was in Prague with my best friend and her friend to see a musical. It was awesome but I'd known it'd be as I'd seen it before. Well, anyways, the day after we got home my best friend told me she had mumps. Which are highly contagious and the symptoms take 3 to 5 weeks to manifest. So you've probably guessed that for the past week I've been having imaginary pains below my ears and expecting my glands to become three times larger than they're now. Dunno, maybe I have it maybe not, guess I'll see in a month or so.
Lately my days have been spent watching House and reading House fics. Still no life. Oh well.
When I have something more interesting to say I'll update again. Or something totally random, knowing myself.
Anyways, the last day of holidays today *sniff* Of course, I left all the homework till today so... yay? =/ But now I'm going to the dentist again to have the stiches removed. I'm kinda apprehinsive about that 'cause I don't like the doctor at all. He was totally hitting on my mother the last time and was kinda making fun of me. And then I heard from my mother's friend that he was beating up his wife and then his girlfriend too. He's around 60 by the way. I know this has nothing to do with the stiches in my mouth but I just don't feel comfortable around him *sigh*
Oh and I need a new keyborad. Like 5 letters on my current one are completely wiped away so it takes ages at times to find the one I want *facepalm*
I need to write but my head's killing me. And I have no inspiration either.
And I need to call my grandmother. And do a Spanish homework. And study for Spanish.
I'm sure there was something more.
But the prospect of maybe only 2 days at school next week makes me somewhat more happy. Well, 4 at most which is still better than 5.
God, I really am pathetic.
So after almost two months of no communication whatsoever my father sent me an e-mail today. I have no idea what it says as I haven't gathered enough courage to open it yet. Pathetic, I know. But it shows nicely just how awkward and almost non-existent my relationship with my father is. I haven't had an urge to contact him once in those two months. I just don't care anymore. Indifference.
However, I don't really need to read it to know what it's about. He'll be blaming me for not contacting him for so long in this whiny pathetic tone he's adopted so well after the past 18 years of my life and then he'll undoubtedly ask me if I have time on Saturday to go visit my grandmother with him, as we do so once every month. And how I know that? 'Cause my grandmother called me herself this week and asked if we could come. She's been in hospital for a week too, which nobody cared to inform me about. I love my family, really.
I guess I'll read the mail when it's totally unavoidable, so that means tomorrow probably.
Now biology, ew. And House, of course <33
Anyways, we're going on a trip to Prague with my class tomorrow morning (the train leaves at 6 fucking am!) so I'll be back on Friday.
Have fun all of you =))
(I'm too tired to write anything else now, hm)
Anyways, I wanted to write today but I don't think it'll happen in the end. I have so much to read still and need to somehow prepare for school a bit and such. However, I'd like to just curl up with my mp3 player and go to sleep.
Also, this new, slightly different rich text thingy for posting entries at LJ annoys the hell out of me, arrgh.
I'm sure I wanted to write something more but the moment I can't remember what, hm.
I wonder how I could become such an emotinal wreck in the course of less than a month. God.
If anyone's up to cheering me up or distracting me or whatever I'll be glad. If not then just go and read this , it seriously needs more love <33
'kay, I dunno what I'm gonna do now. Maybe watch TV. Cannot think. And I thought I was okay.
So, this is the first time in a while I can stay on the net for a bit and not run away, freaking out. However, just when I need anybody, nobody's here to talk to so I guess I won't stay long anyways.
Okay, so I'm getting there. Normalcy, I mean. Very, very slowly but at least something. Well, I hope.
I've talked to my mother for a bit and now she probably suspects everything's not peachy. But even if I wanted to tell her what's wrong I couldn't 'cause it's so difficult to explain. Then again, she deals with people like me on daily bases. The thing is, probably, I don't want her to see me as one of her patients.
Then, I've come to a conclusion which might prove to be crucial in the end, I NEED TO FUCKING CHILL OUT.
Okay, so that's all for now. Thanx everybody for putting up with me, I know I can be annoying.
EDIT: Some fan fiction writers/readers might (or might not) want to read this
No further comments, just read it if you're bored or smt.
Edit numero dos: Okay, so headache I can do with, just no more panic attacks, please, please, please. Also, mother please come home so I can go to sleep. But, God, I can browse utube now, that's a significant progress.
Depression's settling in again, it seems. But it's hard to stay happy when people you care for are ignoring you. No, it's not any hidden hint or anything, I don't mean you. The people I mean won't even read this, since they're ignoring me. Self-pity ftw, yes?
Also, I'm tired of people flat out telling me I'm fat. I mean, I know I am, but where are your fucking manners people?! I don't need to be reminded of it every single day of my fucking life. Then again, I know it's all my mother's doing. She thinks that if random people will be telling me I need to lose weight, I will start to do something about it eventually. But you're WRONG, mother! I'm a fucking Aries = STUBBORN! So the more she'll try to get me to do something the more discouraged I'll get. Because God forbid I'd do something people are telling me to do, for once. Yeah, I'm like this, so sue me.
Okay, so it seems my urge to ramble has returned. Good?
It was my father's b-day last Sunday (I think). I sent him a text message and he invited me for lunch sometime. I really wanted to reply right away but I was so sick on Sunday (the antibiotics disaster) that I completely forgot. On Monday it was my uncle's funeral and my father went there (so at least some family would be there) and I thought it was rather inappropriate. Then I forgot again and it's Thursday now. Too fucking late. And I'm starting to feel bad about it.
Some of you might have noticed I don't really have the best relationship with my father. Or none at all. And since we moved with my mother I don't see him often at all so my feelings towards him formed into 3 stages. 1. the time I actually am with him. He complains he doesn't see me enough, tries to look like a kicked puppy and blames it all on me. That always gets me so fucking angry that I'm fuming for a few days after that. Stage 2 is when I totally forget that I even have any father and just don't really care about him at all. The 3rd one is when I realize I haven't actually seen him for a few weeks and I start feel bad about it. It's like a fucking circle with 3 main stops.
So it's stage 3 now. I fell bad 'cause the last time I saw my father was like 2 weeks ago and I haven't even replied to that fucking message. And I dunno what to do now. Text him 5 days later and tell him I have time for lunch only from the next Tuesday on? Kinda lame. But I know I'll have to see him at some point or another in the future anyway. I am so fucking jealous of all people who at least talk with their fathers, seriously. Maybe it'll surprise you, but communication does actually make things easier *sigh*
Oh well. I'm sorry if you've made it here. But don't worry, you can leave now.
Also, I should totally rename this journal to 'Whining journal' so people at least know what to expect when they stumble upon it.
EDIT: YAY we have a gold medal in women's javelin throw!=)) Also, both US men's and women's 4x100 relay dropped the baton! I was like 'wtf??!!' But that means I can cheer for Jamaica now=))
We were in Ikea today, my mother's friend was going there by her car so she invited us too. I was kinda sick the whole day though, and on the way back it was really hard to keep myself from throwing up all over her car. I didn't even managed to say 'bye' or anything when we got back 'cause I got to our bathroom in a record time lol I guess you can imagine the rest of the story.
That was a few hours ago. A while ago I thought I'd read the info for the antibiotics I have for the bacterial skin infection. Really, it didn't surprise me that there was 'common side effects: blah blah blah, NAUSEA, blah blah blah'. If I wasn't so stupid as not to read it before, I could have at least be prepared and not go anywhere lol But then again, I've never had problems with antibiotics before. However, I've learnt my lesson lol
Also, it's my father's birthday today. I've bought him a mug in a sale and sent him a text message. However, I have no idea when I'm gonna see him again so I can give the mug to him. I guess that says enough about our relationship.
On a happier note, I've also bought awesome bed-clothes today, they really remind me of CSI lol Maybe I'll post a pic sometime in the future=)
Also, I should write. Like, really.
And, I promised (kinda)
that I'd put up some poems from the book by Tim Burton I bought in England. The Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy & Other Stories
Okay, so, I should really start writing the fic for the lpfic_exchange because the time goes by so fast! The few paragraphs I have suck beyond imagination and even though I have lots of ideas an actual plot is somehow still lacking... Guh. I'm really sorry for the person who'll probably read it (since they requested the prompt, duh) and for my lovely beta demetrelli.
Also, I've finally been to my doctor with the thyroid gland problems. Turns out I was there over a year ago the last time. Ahem. She said it wasn't that bad in this too sweet cheerful voice that made my teeth hurt. Then she started to list all the hormones and antibodies I lack/have too much of and sent me to blood tests. Again. So it means getting up early tomorrow. Again. Then she told me I was too fat. Well, duh. But my mother doesn't talk to me now. Because I'm too fat. Which I had been even before the doctor stated the obvious, really. Sometimes I don't get my mother *sigh*
Continuation of the health stuff (I really am sick too often, eh) I have these weird... things on my arm. They look like insect bites, only they're not. It started with one, now there're four and counting. Honestly, it looks kinda disgusting. Yesterday I met up with my best friend (she's leaving for Greece today *jealous*) and she was like, 'It's definitely something serious.' Well, I dunno. But it's definitely not getting better, quite the opposite. So I was thinking that if I'm going to a doctor tomorrow anyways (for the blood tests) I could kill two birds with one stone and go to a dermatologist too when I'm already there. I'll see.
On a happier note, here's my current fave song:
Also, lately I've been feeling like all my friends abandoned me or are going to. Real life or internet. Because even though I do talk to some of them, it always seems like they have something better to do, somewhere else to be, someone better to talk to. Maybe I'm just paranoid or asking too much, dunno, but that's the way I've been feeling.